I'm sitting in the middle of the living room floor with our 4 month old joy rolling around beside me. The rest of the family is at worship. Baby is not sick - I am. Again. This morning after my sweet husband had sent me back to bed, my two year old came to the side of the bed and said, "You sick again, Mommy?" Again.
I truly don't know how my older boys feel about this chronic strep throat/tonsillitis I've been battling. They haven't voiced their disappointment, but I see it in their eyes, and my two year old has become particularly clingy. For almost three months now, I have not been the mommy I want to be. The mommy they need me to be. And so I feel that I've disappointed them. I have no words of wisdom in how to deal with this disappointment on my children's part (perceived or real I can't yet decide), but I know that it breaks my heart. I try to assure them, "Mommy's going to the doctor. We'll figure out how to get mommy all better." But it's been a rough year and a half. I was pregnant, had a miscarriage, grieved, got pregnant again, suffered morning sickness, was getting back into things & got bronchitis which resulted in a broken rib, broken rib led to bed rest so it could heal, then baby came! Which launched the newborn days, and now my mystery illness.
I am just so grateful that it's just a sore throat and weary body now. Not cancer. Not chronic debilitating disease. But still, it seems to be the cause of a chasm between my boys and I. Thankfully, the baby isn't the wiser. He still gets his mommy milk, he still gets snuggles, and he doesn't realize that I've missed out on going to worship with the family, again. Just goes to show that in some ways, the baby days are definitely easier.
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