I'm sitting in the middle of the living room floor with our 4 month old joy rolling around beside me. The rest of the family is at worship. Baby is not sick - I am. Again. This morning after my sweet husband had sent me back to bed, my two year old came to the side of the bed and said, "You sick again, Mommy?" Again.
I truly don't know how my older boys feel about this chronic strep throat/tonsillitis I've been battling. They haven't voiced their disappointment, but I see it in their eyes, and my two year old has become particularly clingy. For almost three months now, I have not been the mommy I want to be. The mommy they need me to be. And so I feel that I've disappointed them. I have no words of wisdom in how to deal with this disappointment on my children's part (perceived or real I can't yet decide), but I know that it breaks my heart. I try to assure them, "Mommy's going to the doctor. We'll figure out how to get mommy all better." But it's been a rough year and a half. I was pregnant, had a miscarriage, grieved, got pregnant again, suffered morning sickness, was getting back into things & got bronchitis which resulted in a broken rib, broken rib led to bed rest so it could heal, then baby came! Which launched the newborn days, and now my mystery illness.
I am just so grateful that it's just a sore throat and weary body now. Not cancer. Not chronic debilitating disease. But still, it seems to be the cause of a chasm between my boys and I. Thankfully, the baby isn't the wiser. He still gets his mommy milk, he still gets snuggles, and he doesn't realize that I've missed out on going to worship with the family, again. Just goes to show that in some ways, the baby days are definitely easier.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Becoming Transparent
This is my 2nd attempt to blog. I had a blog for about 6 months several years ago that I eventually abandoned. I never had a huge readership, I never did much to increase traffic, it was mostly there for just...me. Funny enough, I stopped blogging when I started to get consistent readers. Let's face it, for those among us who tend to be private people, blogging is scary business. At least, the way that I want to blog. Here's what I don't want to do:
*Blog solely for money. Let's face it, there's money to be had in the blogging world. And while it's a nice perk, and would be a bonus for this SAHM, don't we all get a little annoyed at those blogs we used to love & enjoy reading but now just host giveaways from random companies? After a while, most of them just stop being relevant or meaningful. There are a few exceptions, but as a whole they annoy me.
*Appear perfect. I struggle with perfectionism enough. I struggle with what I think others are thinking of me. I could easily fall into the trap of only showing the pretty side of life, but that's not real, and it's not what I need.
Here's what I do want to do: BE TRANSPARENT. I am just about the most opaque person out there. My husband might disagree, but he's the only one in the world. When I was in school, my mom used to make me tell her three things about my day, and it couldn't include what I ate for lunch. For years I have struggled with this - with hard lessons about humility & pride, emotional availability, and just general perfectionism (again). We like to say that I am "emotionally stilted."
I want this blog to be real - my husband actually set this up for me, named my blog, and then bought me a mini-laptop to become my new best friend. He named it appropriately, though. "Growing With Them." Because really, motherhood has taken me on a journey of growth. I am a better person now than I was before I had kids. I hope that I'll be able to use this blog to explore some of the ways that mothering has changed me, and to be able to use it to share some of my own journeys in young mothering. I'll toss in a little bit on faith (okay, maybe a lot), some homeschooling thoughts (part of that mothering thing), and general ramblings about personal growth in all areas of life. I don't promise to be a good writer, but I do promise to do my best at being honest & transparent.
Here's to the journey...
*Blog solely for money. Let's face it, there's money to be had in the blogging world. And while it's a nice perk, and would be a bonus for this SAHM, don't we all get a little annoyed at those blogs we used to love & enjoy reading but now just host giveaways from random companies? After a while, most of them just stop being relevant or meaningful. There are a few exceptions, but as a whole they annoy me.
*Appear perfect. I struggle with perfectionism enough. I struggle with what I think others are thinking of me. I could easily fall into the trap of only showing the pretty side of life, but that's not real, and it's not what I need.
Here's what I do want to do: BE TRANSPARENT. I am just about the most opaque person out there. My husband might disagree, but he's the only one in the world. When I was in school, my mom used to make me tell her three things about my day, and it couldn't include what I ate for lunch. For years I have struggled with this - with hard lessons about humility & pride, emotional availability, and just general perfectionism (again). We like to say that I am "emotionally stilted."
I want this blog to be real - my husband actually set this up for me, named my blog, and then bought me a mini-laptop to become my new best friend. He named it appropriately, though. "Growing With Them." Because really, motherhood has taken me on a journey of growth. I am a better person now than I was before I had kids. I hope that I'll be able to use this blog to explore some of the ways that mothering has changed me, and to be able to use it to share some of my own journeys in young mothering. I'll toss in a little bit on faith (okay, maybe a lot), some homeschooling thoughts (part of that mothering thing), and general ramblings about personal growth in all areas of life. I don't promise to be a good writer, but I do promise to do my best at being honest & transparent.
Here's to the journey...
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